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I’m about four songs into the rough mixes for this next CD release. Twelve songs to go. Not all of them will make it to the mixdown and master. Been jamming time in to mix between work days, family stuff, mowing the lawn. You know. Normal stuff.

     Working on original songs that you have been the singer, writer, guitar player, arranger, chart scribbler, recording  supervisor, gear hauler, assistant engineer and scratch mix editor is not normal. Blowing into Paisley and rolling tracks until 9 in the morning isn’t normal either. But being the Artist is not a luxury of excess I can afford. I get an hour here and hour there to mix.

     My dreams, (not my hey have a hit record and be famous dreams), but my sleeping dreams are odd. It’s new dream territory where everything is much more colorful and nothing makes sense. It’s not even like a code telling me I ate too may tacos and that’s why I dreamed this wack stuff. It’s new. Nothing I’ve dreamed before.

     I knew this record was going to put me through changes, but they haven’t been what I expected. I’m letting go of what I thought the music was. Letting go of what I thought I was. I’m waiting for the title track to say “I’m here go in this direction!” Which will inform the other jobs of photo model, CD art stylist, track order and what to put on the one sheet. Do they still do one sheets anymore? This is why there is a music industry. Too many jobs for one brain to handle. 

     All I know for sure is that I won’t be the same after this project is wrapped up. Got to let the little songs fly out and go on their own. Once it’s done I’ll know what all these changes are for. But meanwhile, my mind is going through them changes.

Here’s the thing. I’m not a big deal. I’m not an incredible singer or guitar player. Not flashy. On a good day I’m an okay singer and an okay guitar player. I can do some songs really well. Others, well, I’m still learning. The PROBLEM is: I stumble onto these songs and they make me feel good and I want to share that good feeling with others.

     Some of the songs I’ve written really deserve to be heard. They are good craft. They are real, Honest works. In this sense I’m driven. I HAVE to share them. Because others shared with me and I was touched, transported, made aware and felt what they wrote. I have to give that back. And giving back is effortful. Noisy. With all the amassed noise in our current world I’m reluctant to add to it. With all the noise in my head I’m reluctant to add to it. Like if I’m in a restaurant and they have piped in music going constantly, it’s annoying.

     Since I’m not a big deal I would like to avoid being annoying. But it’s impossible. Music is the one thing that goes straight past the think filter and into the feelings zone.  It gets in whether you want it to or not. This is where one has to be careful. I’m responsible for what I write, say and how it feels in performance. I’m careful because I know that in music and in life you reap what you sow. I’m trying to bring the good thing, the positive thing. I’m careful not to let hatred and ego get the upperhand. I’m trying to create musical moments where it’s safe to feel. Safe for me and safe for those who listen. This is not as easy to do as it is to type.

      Justin Vernon said and I quote” I just want to play guitar and make the music happen.” Hey man, me too. But deeper. That’s where the trouble hits. To go deep in songs I have to feel (vulnerable) and then I have to take the feeling and portray it in such a way that the feeling gets over to the feelings of the listener. Didn’t get enough sleep? Got half a cold? Driving a junk car that can blow a tire any minute stressed? Then it’s just noise. No connection.

     But sometimes, once in a while,  when all the clutter is off the radar I get to play and sing and It works and I can feel it and the dancers can feel it. It’s a beautiful and timeless waltz full of love that shuts off the noise and makes the effort worth it. Money or time and effort become meaningless in the face of shared connection. That’s why I’m doing it. It’s not a construct where one can live, but it is a very wonderful place to visit. To create that musical moment is the cause I am fighting for, lost or not. It’s hard to rise above the noise. But like Scooter says: “If it was easy to do, everyone would do it”